Use Somebody
by Lucy Maria Elmer
Summary: A surprising and tragic event turns the lives of three of Holbys finest upside down.
1. Chapter 1

**Use Somebody.**

Jac Naylor sat in the cafeteria, unable to tear her eyes away from Joseph and Faye who sat talking animatedly at a table just metres away from her. She didn't understand how he could do this to her. How he could sit there with a wife he didn't really love in front of the woman who he knew had changed so much due to the love she still held for him; the man who she had hurt more than she had ever thought she could possibly hurt another human being. She understood why he was with Faye. She was doting and the dutiful wife, while Jac was complicated and cold and spiky. She had never been able to give him what he wanted from her, so why should he believe she would now? But she also knew that Faye would never love Joseph like she did, not with the passion, not with the fire and definitely not with the gratefulness that came when a person like her knew that she had been taught by another human being how to love and how to begin to truly feel. How could he sit there with her, in front of the woman who he came to just a month before in the middle of the night, soaked with rain, with tears streaming down his face claiming he had fallen out of love with the woman he now sat dutifully beside, leaving Jac sat out in the cold, her heart in torment and tears threatening to fall behind her usually expressionless and stoic eyes.

As Josephs' eyes briefly met hers, the same sadness in them as that night, she looked down at the table, unable to meet the gaze of the man she knew was torturing himself as well as her. She remembered that nights every detail. How he looked, how he felt, how his lips and then his skin tasted, what it was like to be in his arms again, entangled in the bed covers, their limbs entwined as they made love, his body still shivering with cold. How, after that, could he sit there with someone he had told her he no longer loved while she, the woman he had come to, sat alone, having to pretend it had never happened? Having to pretend it was still as easy as before to carry on when she knew what it felt like to have him at her side and in her bed all over again?

'_Have you ever fallen out of love?' He asked her forlornly as he stood in her doorway, raindrops falling in little splashes onto the doormat, leaving a trail on the laminate as she led him to the sofa._

'_Not with you.' She replied simply, walking through to her bathroom and grabbing some towels out of the airing cupboard. She then walked over to her bed, pulling an old t-shirt of Josephs out from the drawer underneath it. She had never been able to bring herself to give it back to him, but she had also never been able to look at it since she had so badly screwed things up. Instead it had lain under her bed, screwed up, as a painful reminder of what she had lost._

'_You still have that?' He asked appearing in her bedroom doorway. He looked so sad that she felt her heart break inside her chest._

_Jac could feel herself blush. She looked at the floor as her cheeks reddened._

'_I wondered where it had gone.' He told her, walking towards her and taking the t-shirt into his hands. His cold fingers brushed hers._

'_I got you some towels. You should take a warm shower. You're freezing. What are you doing here Joseph?' Jac then asked him softly, sitting down on the bed and looking up at the man standing in front of her with wary eyes._

'_Faye and I...'_

'_Joseph please don't come here and speak about your love for Faye. I couldn't bear it.' She told him simply, turning away from his gaze and looking at the glistening patterns that the raindrops had formed on the window, lit up like crystals by the streetlights outside._

_Joseph sat down at her side. His t-shirt clasped in his hands. Even though he was shivering with cold she could feel the warmth radiating off the body which was so close to hers that they were almost touching._

'_Love for Faye? What I feel for her...it's a lie Jac. It's always been a lie. I sat there tonight in a restaurant with her, on what would have been our anniversary...yours and mine...and I realised that what I feel for her...it's nothing compared to what I felt for you...that devotion...that passion...that need to take care of you no matter how cold or angry you were all of the time...'_

'_Our anniversary?' Jac whispered. 'I didn't even...I had no idea.' She told him ashamedly. Her eyes began to burn and she felt a tear roll down her cheek._

'_I didn't expect you to.' He whispered, using his thumb to brush the tear away. 'I told you we could never go back when we were quarantined in that theatre. Why should you remember after I told you that I couldn't turn back the clock? After all you're the mighty Jac Naylor, tough as old boots...'_

'_You know that's not true.' She told him softly. 'Not anymore. Because of you.'_

_Joseph studied her for a second, using his shaking fingers to prop up her now tear stained face._

'_You're so beautiful when you let yourself feel. 'He whispered, running his fingertips down her cheeks. 'Why did you do what you did? Why would you throw us away and drive me to her?'_

'_Because I was stupid. I didn't know any better. I was scared Joseph and when I'm scared I screw things up because it's all I know how to do...and when you left and I couldn't get you back...when you met Faye and you chose her over me...even after her lies...even in that room when we were dying...I didn't drive you to her Joseph. You chose her! Even when we were dying you chose her!' Jac half sobbed and half shouted as emotion overcame her. She quickly got up from the bed and walked over to the bedroom window, turning away from him so he couldn't see the tears. _

'_I loved you and you hurt me.' He said simply, emotion evident in his voice._

'_I love you and you hurt me.' Jac replied, wiping her eyes as she tried to regain some composure. He didn't deserve her emotion._

_Joseph got up from the bed and walked over to the tearful woman at the window, one who he sometimes loved and loathed in equal measure but knew he could never let go of no matter how hard he tried. He wrapped his arms around her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder. _

'_What are you doing Joseph?' She asked him softly, able to hear his teeth chattering on her shoulder._

'_I don't know.' He replied quietly as he turned her around to face him. 'All I know is that I took a wrong turn somewhere and now...'_

'_You're just as lost as I am.' She replied looking at the floor._

'_No. Now...I'm home.' He told her, taking her hand in his own and leading her to the bed._

Jac could feel the tears threatening to fall as she remembered what had come next, and then waking the following morning to a note on the pillow next to her stating that he was sorry but it never should have happened. He could never leave Faye no matter what he felt for Jac because she was his wife and Jac had thrown away any chance of ever being anything more to him than the woman that had cheated on him and broke his heart.

She had never known what had really led him to her that night, nor why everything he said had disintegrated with the arrival of the morning rays of sun, leaving her bed and her life once again cold after a glimmer of light had come back into them. He hadn't come near her since. Instead she had seen him with Faye more and more, although she could see things were strained and forced and she could see the deep rooted sadness in his eyes. Now she was forced to watch them yet again, playing the perfect husband and wife in a cafeteria full of their colleagues and she wished for nothing more than for the ground to swallow her whole.

Deciding enough was enough Jac got up from her chair and moved away from the table, but as she stepped away she was gripped by a pain deep within her stomach that was like nothing she had known before. She bent over double and let out a pained cry that try as she might she couldn't hold in. She couldn't move, and then as the blood seeped on to her trousers from between her legs she felt her knees turn to jelly as she fell to the floor.

She could hear chairs screech and footsteps rush towards her as the floor began to turn crimson red underneath her.

"Jac? It's going to be all right. Don't panic." Came the voice of the woman she loathed, Faye now crouching at her side. "Joseph I think she needs to go to maternity. This is clearly gynaecological." Faye whispered.

Jac could barely focus. All she could think of was how much blood there was and what could possibly be causing it. Fear built in the pit of her stomach as the cramps continued and realisation hit her. Burning tears built behind her eyes. Please God no! The next thing she knew was that she was being lifted off the floor by strong arms which cradled her so delicately that it seemed almost impossible that they were keeping her ensconced.

"Joseph let them bring a gurney and take her. You don't need to do this." Faye whispered following behind him as he hurried through the cafeteria and to a lift.

"I'm hardly going to leave her bleeding on the floor Faye. She needs someone to go with her. Look at her." He pleaded.

"And why does it have to be you?" Faye hissed behind him as he waited impatiently for the lift to open.

"Because I'm all she's got. If you could tell Elliot where I'm going. I'm sure he'll understand." Joseph told his wife as she stood open mouthed, watching as Joseph cradled the whimpering Jac in his arms, blood having pooled on his shirt before the bleeding had finally slowed somewhat.

As soon as the lift doors closed Joseph studied the woman in his arms, his heart filling with dread as he noticed how pale she was and how much blood she had lost.

"It hurts Joseph." She whispered, sounding so unlike the Jac that he knew and still loved.

"I know." He replied kissing her on the top of her red hair. "You're losing a baby aren't you?" He whispered into her ear.

Jac let out a sob.

"If I am, I didn't even know that it was there." She replied tearfully, resting her hand on the stomach which was cramping so much underneath it that she could barely breathe.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered into her hair. "I'm so sorry you're losing our child."

Jac could hear the tears that were threatening to fall in his voice.

"So am I." Jac replied honestly. "Because you are the only man I would ever let myself have one with."

"I shouldn't have left you like that...that morning....this is my fault. I shouldn't have made you feel the way I made you feel."

"Its karma Joseph. Don't you understand? I'm Jac Naylor. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve a baby. It's payback....and now a baby I didn't even know I was carrying is dead. I deserve this...I..."

And with that Jac's world went black and Joseph Byrne was left cradling the woman who had been carrying his child within her in his arms, praying for that lift to hurry up so that he didn't lose her for good and the blood on his shirt a constant reminder of the part of him they had both just started to lose.


	2. Chapter 2

Jac Naylor opened her eyes, her gaze immediately falling onto a poster of a smiling baby on the wall and making her wish that she had never woken up. Around her she could hear babies wailing, people sharing their congratulations, while she lay there on a bed in a stark private room completely empty. Her hand fell onto her stomach and her head to her right where she saw Joseph not even changed out of his bloody clothes dozing at her side. She winced as she saw how much blood she had lost and felt tears well up as she remembered what just hours ago had taken place. She couldn't believe that he was still there with her.

"Hey sleepyhead." He whispered, his voice raw with emotion. He shuffled on his chair closer to the bed and took her hand in his own. "How are you feeling?"

Jac just shook her head as tears streamed down her cheeks. She couldn't tear her eyes off the blood that was once part of her child, on his shirt.

Joseph followed her gaze and his face flashed red with anger.

"Oh God. Oh Jac I'm so sorry...I should've...but it was all so...they were in and out and asking me questions and I just didn't think. I'm so sorry." He growled letting go of her hand and ripping off his shirt in anger, throwing it to the floor and kicking the bedside table so hard that its contents crashed onto the floor. "Stupid....stupid..." He admonished, falling onto his knees as sobs overcame him.

"Joseph..." Jac whispered tearfully, reaching out a hand which he didn't take.

He knelt on his floor, his head in his hands as he cried. Jac wanted so much to comfort him but she was too tired to even move. She just held out her hand, willing him to take it, needing him to be there next to her.

"Joseph please...tell me what happened after...I can't remember anything..." She pleaded softly.

Joseph looked up at her with watery eyes. He took a deep breath and wiped them with the backs of his hands.

"Of course. I'm sorry." He told her, trying to compose himself as he walked to her bedside and perched on the side her bed.

"The baby? There was...a baby?" She asked him so quietly that he almost didn't hear her.

Joseph nodded, taking her hand in his own as it clutched the bed sheets and her knuckles began to turn white.

"I'm so sorry Jac....you'd lost so much blood. They had to do a D&C procedure to remove the rest of our child. There really was nothing that could be done. Your body had already begun to expel the foetus." He explained his voice breaking. "They were concerned that they'd need to do a hysterectomy. They asked if you would want that should the D&C be ineffective and the haemorrhaging continue. I said you wouldn't want that. Luckily everything went as well as could be expected." He told her, his voice trembling.

Jac nodded, unable to find the words.

"I want to go home." She told him in a small voice that was so uncharacteristic of her. "I can't bear to look at that poster. To see a baby smiling on there when ours is barely gone. I can't bear to be reminded of how defective I am."

Joseph stroked a piece of hair away from her tear stained face.

"Don't you dare say that. You are not defective. You don't deserve this Jac." He soothed.

"You would have agreed that I did not so long ago." She sniped and immediately regretted it as she saw the hurt on his face.

"Do you really think that I would wish this loss on you? I saw you with Daisha's son Joe. I saw you holding him. You want a family and you would have wanted our child."

"And what would you have wanted? Would you have stayed with Faye and not admitted it was yours? Or would you have been the doting daddy? And what about now? What happens now that I've lost our baby?" She asked him, anger she felt about the miscarriage bubbling up inside of her so much that she couldn't help but direct it at the person she least wanted to direct it to.

"Now we get back to normal. We grieve and we move on." He told her softly, looking at the floor.

"And you go back to Faye?" Jac asked him quietly, her hand trembling in his. "And we grieve in silence...apart..."

Joseph nodded. He felt so torn. He had taken vows but he knew that they weren't honest ones. Still he could not break them. Not even for her. No matter how much he wanted to now.

"Does she know? About the miscarriage?"

Joseph nodded, his eyes still not able to meet hers.

"Does she know the baby was yours?" Jac then asked.

Joseph met the question with silence and Jac could see a tear run down his cheek.

"So we pretend that the baby wasn't yours? You go on about your life pretending you feel nothing while the population of the hospital think I'm some kind of tragic slut who got herself knocked up by some stranger and then lost her illegitimate unborn child?"

"What do you want to happen Jac? I'm married to Faye. We were having a baby which should never even have been here but we lost it..."

Jac could feel the hurt and the anger building up inside her more and more as she questioned how he could continue to do this to her. How he could consider their child as something which never should have existed in the first place. The uncomfortableness in her stomach was a constant reminder of what she had been through and what she had lost, and she knew that there was no way she could just brush it under the carpet even if he could.

"Even if our child had lived nothing would have changed would it? You would never have admitted to being its father. I would have been a single mother living every day of my life knowing that the man I love didn't love me enough to be part of the family that we would have made." Jac snapped, wincing in pain from the procedure.

"Please...you're hurting yourself more..." Joseph pleaded, looking properly for the first time since she had woken up at the woman who lay in the bed on which he sat and realising he had never seen her so pained and fragile as she was after the loss of a baby she didn't even know she was carrying inside of her.

"What do you care Joseph? You're hurting me. This is hurting me..." She told him, her voice trembling as she motioned to the poster of the baby on the wall "and this...this is hurting me most of all." She admitted tearfully, looking at the hand which rested over her empty womb.

"Jac..." He whispered softly, his voice breaking. He reached out to touch her cheek but she flinched angrily.

"Don't touch me." She shouted. "Don't you ever touch me again as long as you're with her because we both know how little it means to you don't we?"

"I'm hurting too Jac." He admitted softly and for a moment he let the mask slip and Jac could see all of the emotion evident on his face.

"Yet you're going to leave me to do this alone and put the death of our unborn child to the back of your mind for the sake of a woman you admitted you have fallen out of love with? Our child doesn't deserve that....nor do I." Jac whispered softly. She turned away from him as tears streamed down her pale cheeks. "Please leave." She pleaded quietly.

Joseph didn't move. As much as he told her he had to stay with Faye it was the hardest thing in the world to try and get up and leave her, the same as it had been the morning after their child was conceived. It tore him apart. She was his other half, the person that completed him, not Faye but because of his anger toward her and his stubbornness he had taken vows that tied him to the woman who would always be second best. Vows he couldn't break.

"Go." She shouted, her shoulders shaking with sobs as Joseph did what he seemed to do best and left her alone with her tears.


	3. Chapter 3

Jac awoke with the sun streaming through the windows of her private room, the sounds around her reminding her that life does indeed go on, no matter the pain or suffering you are subjected to and no matter how much you'd rather it didn't. She wished away the sunshine, instead wanting dark clouds and rain to fit with her sombre mood. She couldn't do happy right now, who would after the loss of their unborn child and the rejection of its father? But then she never did do happy really although somehow she felt that she might have done as a mother...if only her baby had lived. All she wanted to do at that moment was to curl up and go to sleep forever.

Shifting in her bed, Jac turned to see a figure sat at the side of it. A familiar face gave her a sad smile.

"Elliot? What are you...? I don't understand." She commented softly, her voice raw with emotion and her throat dry from all the tears.

"I thought you might feel better recovering at home than being stuck here with..." He started, motioning to the window at which Jac's gaze had fallen on a woman walking past with her newborn baby cradled in her arms.

Jac looked down at her hands and gave him a small nod.

"How are you feeling?" He asked her and it was with so much compassion that Jac felt the tears threatening to fall again.

She shook her head sadly, unable to find the words.

"I am so, so sorry." Elliot told her sincerely. He reached out a little hesitantly and gave her hand a squeeze. "If there is anything I can do..."

Jac gave him a small smile.

"Thank you." She replied, unable to bring her eyes to his for fear of showing her uncharacteristic vulnerability to someone who had barely ever been on the receiving end of it.

"Joseph found me last night and told me what had happened. Of course I'd already heard about your collapse but...how awful to not know you are carrying a child until you are losing it. It sounded very traumatic for you both."

Jac thought back to the days before the miscarriage. Her period had been late but she'd never been regular and had thought nothing of it. That would have been the only sign that she'd been pregnant. The morning sickness hadn't kicked in yet and even though she got exhausted quicker she had blamed that on work. She couldn't help but wonder if she'd have known about the pregnancy if there was something that she could have done to have prevented the loss of her baby. She had always sworn she would never have a child for the reason that she didn't want to hurt it like she had been hurt throughout her childhood, but since holding Joe and since facing such a terrible loss, there was nothing she wanted more than for her baby to be inside of her and to know that in seven months time she would be holding a child she would love unconditionally safe in her arms.

"Traumatic feels like an understatement right now. I've seen miscarriages before but to see all of that blood and to feel that utter helplessness when you realise what's happening to you..." Jac admitted, her hand falling to her stomach again.

Elliot nodded.

"Joseph...he was very upset. I was quite worried for him."

"You were worried for him?" Jac questioned; her eyes wide. She was the one in the hospital bed, not Joseph. He was at home with his wife, while she was grieving the loss of their child.

"He told me that he was the baby's father." Elliot admitted, looking at the floor. A blush on his cheeks as he realised he had told her something that he had promised not to tell. "He was in a terrible state."

"That's funny. So was I when he left me here in pain, grieving and alone while he ran off back home to Faye."

"He wanted very much to stay with you. He was very torn between staying here at the hospital and going home. He cares very much for you and about the child you lost." Elliot told her, his eyes keeping her gaze as her eyes filled with tears.

"A child he's going to refuse to acknowledge?" Jac responded angrily, then wincing as her stomach reminded her of her loss.

"He doesn't have a choice. Not unless he's willing to sacrifice his marriage by admitting that you had a ....liason for want of a better word. He's a proud man Jac. We both know that. He wants to do what's right."

Jac nodded sadly, knowing Elliot was right.

"I just feel...God Elliot. I don't even know. Sad for the baby somehow that its daddy is never going to...and it's mother is going to be thought of as some sort of...I don't care what they think of me Elliot, I couldn't give a stuff about that, but my child doesn't deserve anything bad said about it. It was an innocent child, lost to two irresponsible parents." She told the older man breaking down in tears. "Sorry." She apologised tearfully, trying to hide her face.

Elliot got up from the chair unsurely and sat at her bedside, carefully taking Jac into his arms.

"Losing something that you love is terribly hard...but I promise you it will get easier to live with." He soothed, letting the young woman cry.

"How can you love something you didn't even know you were having until it was gone?" Jac asked him, rubbing her stomach gently with her fingertips.

"Because it was still there. It was still a part of you...and it was lost in a terribly tragic way." Elliot replied.

"Joseph should be here Elliot." Jac whispered through her tears.

Elliot looked at the usually strong, now extremely vulnerable young woman and nodded.

"You're right. He should be."Elliot agreed. "But he's made his choice and he asked me to come. He does care for you Jac, a tremendous amount."

"Just not enough." Jac replied softly.

Elliot shook his head.

"It appears that no, not enough." Elliot replied, rubbing Jacs back as she cried, the bloody clothes in a bag on the floor a stark reminder of the trauma that had brought her and Joseph to breaking point.


	4. Chapter 4

Jac awoke with a start, the sound of a baby crying still ringing in her ears. She recalled the dream, the baby crying, her walking endlessly, the torment filling her as she tried so hard to find the crying child but no matter where she went being unable to find it and soothe its cries. The shrill cries still tormented her, whether a figment of her imagination or not and her heart thumped violently in her chest as emotion coursed through her body. She shifted in the bed, the uncomfortable pain in her stomach still an unwelcome reminder of what she and Joseph had lost. After two days at home she had still not seen or heard from him and for the first time in her life she didn't revel in being on her own, in fact she truly despised it.

Deciding she needed something to drink Jac slowly manoeuvred herself out from under the covers and lifted herself up from the bed. She had barely left it in the last two days, after Elliot had so kindly brought her home and settled her in. She just couldn't bring herself to emerge from the cocoon of covers which encased her broken body. The longer she went without hearing from Joseph, the more she wanted to stay there because it was at a time that she needed people most and especially him that she realised how few people she actually had in her life that actually gave a damn.

Jac gingerly walked to the kitchen, turning the kettle on and putting some coffee granules in a cup. The floor was cold under her feet and she shivered as she waited for the water to boil. She couldn't remember the last time that she had eaten but she couldn't face food, she couldn't face much of anything at all. Tears were constantly threatening to fall and all she could think of was the sheer amount of blood and pain she had felt as she had collapsed onto the cafeteria floor and how the pregnancy was over as quickly as it had begun.

She knew she would be recovered enough to go back to work soon but even the thought of that frightened her right now and normally she didn't do frightened. She didn't want to have to see all their pitying faces, or hear their whispered speculations as to who had fathered her child. She didn't want to have to sit in that cafeteria again and remember her loss, or Josephs face as he had carried her from her place on the floor into the lift where she had seen the broken man that he had become. She couldn't pretend the miscarriage had never happened, how any mother could she didn't know. Joseph however appeared to be a completely different story and it made her heart ache. She didn't know how she would get through this as she stood there, her hands trembling, but then she always managed somehow to battle through life's traumas. She couldn't let this be the exception to the rule.

As the kettle boiled Jac walked through the flat, stopping at the door where a pile of mail had gathered on the mat. She carefully leaned over and picked it up, thumbing through the letters to see if there was anything of interest when she stopped, her hands shaking more and tears beginning to fall no matter how much she tried to hold them back. There with a pile of her mail was a Mamas and Papas catalogue with a photo of the family she would never have plastered on the front as if to mock her. How they got her address she had no idea, she'd not even known that she was pregnant, let alone registered with them, but there it was, in her shaking hands, a reminder again of what had cruelly been stolen away.

Jac threw the pile of mail onto the lounge table, pacing backwards and forwards as she tried to rein the sea of emotions in. She wanted so much for him to be there, to put his arms around her, hold her still and tell her everything was going to be okay but he was making so much effort to stay away that she wondered if he would ever truly be a part of her life again. The only person that had made an effort to call her while she had been in her joint hospital and self imposed exile was Elliot and she knew that he was only doing it out of pity.

As she came to her mirror Jac stopped, taking a deep breath before studying the face of the woman looking back at her. Her hair was all tangled and her eyes puffy and red. Her face was pale but her cheeks flushed from tears. She was a shadow of who she had been even weeks ago and it was all because of him.

Tears overcame her as she stood there looking at herself in the mirror, her hands falling to the flat stomach which had briefly housed her child. Anger then began to build within her over the fact that her baby had been stolen away, that it's father didn't seem to care about it or about her and over the fact that she had come, over the years to push everyone in her life away, leaving her alone now at a time when she needed someone...anyone to tell her things would be okay again. In a flash of rage Jac's fist met the mirror, shattering it into little pieces and shattering the image of the shell of a woman that she had now become. It was only when red droplets of blood began to gather on the laminate that she realised she was bleeding, blood now oozing from a large wound on her hand.

"Dammit!" She shouted, rushing through the flat to the kitchen where she grabbed a tea towel and clutched it tightly against the deep and crimson wound.

More carefully this time Jac made her way to the phone, picking it up in shaking hands and dialling the familiar number.

"Elliot hi." She said softly, her voice trembling. "I need your help."


	5. Chapter 5

Jac sat still as Elliot finished stitching her hand, the pair of them safely shut away from prying eyes in his office. She'd arrived forty minutes ago, gazes following her as she'd slowly walked through the corridors, her hand wrapped in now red towels and the slowly fading pain in her stomach still reminding her of her collapse just says before. She had been so glad when Elliot had taken her away from the curious glances and whispering, deciding instead to treat her somewhere private. Somewhere she was able to grieve without all eyes on her as she knew they now would be for a while to come.

"That was quite the wound there. You were very lucky you didn't do any permanent damage. We need those hands." He told her softly, putting the stitching instruments down and covering the wound, then wrapping her hand with a bandage.

Jac looked at the floor.

"I wasn't even thinking." She admitted quietly. "I was just...there was a brochure, from Mamas and Papas and..."

"A case of terrible timing." Elliot finished, pinning the bandage into place.

Jac nodded.

"I've got something for you." He told her quietly, leaving the sofa on which they were sitting and walking to his desk. He picked up a piece of paper which he handed to her as he sat back down.

"They're very good. A lot of people have recommended them." Elliot explained, watching Jac as she studied the writing on the piece of paper. It was the phone number of a support group for parents who had lost their child to miscarriage.

"I don't know...I'm not very good at talking to...anyone...really." Jac admitted, screwing the paper up a little in her hand.

Elliot took hold of her fingers lightly and unclasped them, flattening the paper back out.

"Someone who's coping with a miscarriage doesn't take their fist to a mirror and require eleven stitches....or provoke a fist fight with a visitor and land themselves with a black eye." He added rolling his eyes.

"Joseph?" She asked, her heart beating wildly in her chest.

"Lets just say our usually calm and collected Mr Byrne is sporting a rather tremendous bruise."

Jac looked at the floor.

"He's not coping very well. It must be considerably harder for him with him having chosen not to tell Faye. You need to grieve together but alas..."

"He wants nothing to do with me." Jac finished.

"He called this number yesterday. He told me it helped and that I should pass the number on to you. He felt that you may be struggling a little." Elliot replied, waiting for a barbed response which never came. Instead his statement was met with a nod.

"I don't know what's happening to me Elliot. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't...I just can't process things." She admitted, fiddling with a stray piece of cotton on the bandage.

"You're not able to find closure and it's understandable why."

Jac yawned, shrinking back into the chair.

"Why don't you try and sleep for a while."

"Here?" Jac asked him frowning and surveying her surroundings.

"It may be easier if you have some company in the room. I have plenty of paperwork to do to keep me occupied. If it helps..."

"I guess I could try." She told him wearily.

Elliot nodded, moving to his desk as Jac lay down on the sofa. Within a few minutes she was fast asleep.

"That poor girl." Elliot muttered, walking over to the sofa and pulling a blanket over the sleeping figure.

An hour later and Elliot was so immersed in his paperwork that he barely heard the office door open. He looked up to see Joseph enter the room, stopping with a puzzled look on his face as he saw the sleeping Jac on Elliot's sofa, his gaze falling to her bandaged hand.

He looked at Elliot questioningly, the older man immediately getting out of his chair and quietly leading Joseph out of the room.

"How is she?" Joseph immediately asked, peering around the doorframe and back into the office where Jac was still peacefully asleep.

"Not good. Much the same as you."

Joseph nodded, looking down at his hands.

"I should have been there for her." He told Elliot, rubbing his face with his hands and wincing as his fingers brushed his bruised eye. "Look at her."

"Look at you." Elliot replied simply. "You need to be there for each other. You have a decision to make Joseph and it's a lot simpler than you think. All she's needed is you. Did you really intend to stay away from her when she had just lost your child?"

"I thought it would be easier, for me, for Faye, for her."

"And is it? She put her fist through a mirror Joseph. That's how much she's struggling. Jac Naylor doesn't struggle."

"No. It's not easier. Keeping the death of our child to myself, being away from her, it feels like I'm disrespecting my child's memory and its mother. I haven't seen her since she lost it. I don't know where to start now...what to say to her to make things right."

"How about starting with the word sorry." Elliot answered. "Talk to her." He prompted, giving Joseph a light push into the room and closing the door behind him as he entered. Joseph looked back to Elliot who was standing outside. The man gave him a reassuring smile.

Joseph quietly walked to the side of the sofa, kneeling on the floor next to the sleeping Jac and taking her bandaged hand in his own. He held it against his cheek, her fingertips becoming wet with his tears as he cried.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry." He told her, closing his eyes and clutching her hand in his own. "I'm sorry."

"Me too."

Joseph opened his eyes to see Jacs' piercing and tearful eyes looking at him. She reached up with her unbandaged hand and stroked her fingers gently over his bruised eye.

"You look terrible." He told her softly, running his fingers down her cheek.

"You don't look too good yourself." She replied sitting up on the chair and wincing slightly as she moved. She patted the space next to her but Joseph remained kneeling on the floor, looking up at her with weary eyes. She placed a hand over her stomach.

"I've missed you." She whispered softly. "Where were you?" She asked him sadly.

"With Fa..."

Jac nodded.

"Jac you might think this has been easy for me but it's not. The night our child was conceived...I meant every word that I said to you. Every single word. I am so, so sorry you lost our baby. You didn't deserve it, it was awful and tragic and I have never felt in my life like I do now that I'm feeling that loss. You may think that I don't care about you, or about the child but I do. It kills me to not be able to say that it was mine. That it wasn't some meaningless night together..."

"Then how could you leave me? I know I told you to go but you could have rung me. You could have come over so we could have talked about it. I can't get it out of my head Joseph. Not any of it. I've barely been able to get up in the mornings. I've needed you."

Joseph got up from the floor and sat beside her. He placed a hand over the one which rested on her stomach.

"When you collapsed and I saw that blood the bottom fell out of my world. I knew then that there must have been a baby. I just knew...and your face when you realised...I don't think I could ever forget that. Nor you lying limp in my arms in that lift with all of that blood. You're usually so strong but you were so..."

"I'm kind of glad I was unconscious for the most part. When I was conscious it was terrible." Jac interrupted with a small and forced smile.

"I'm glad you were too, although having to decide whether or not you should have a hysterectomy wasn't easy. I would do anything to save your life, but I knew that wasn't an option for you. I knew you would be determined to have another child one day."

"It was the right decision." Jac agreed. "I would like another child. One day. Though if I were to lose that one too...I don't think I could bear it." Jac admitted with a shudder as she thought back to the cafeteria that day. She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, Joseph placing his hand limply on his lap.

"Going home to Faye...felt so wrong." Joseph admitted. "All I could think of was you in that bed and what you would have looked like carrying our child."

A tear ran down Jac's cheek which she quickly brushed away. She had thought about that herself too.

"And yet you stayed with her? You came to work like nothing had happened. You couldn't even pick up a phone to ask how I was coping or whether there had been any complications."

"I was afraid. Cowardly. Have there been?" He then asked; concern evident on his tired face.

Jac shook her head, shifting on the chair.

"You're still in pain from the D&C?"

"A little." She admitted.

Joseph put an arm around her shoulders and gently pulled her to him.

"I can't believe I didn't know." Jac told him tearfully, the comforting arm around her filling her with emotion. "I should have known. My own body couldn't carry our child." She sobbed. "That poor baby."

"I know." He whispered, planting a kiss on her hair.

"Why do things like that happen? I would never have not loved that child. I love you, it's not like it was the result of some meaningless fling. I actually love you." She admitted sadly, feeling Josephs arm clasp her to him a little bit tighter.

"There's no answer as to why they do. All we can do is move on, but we must never forget the loss that we've shared because it was ours...together and I don't think it's one that I'll ever truly stop feeling. Especially because the baby was half of you."

"I wish I'd never screwed everything up." She whispered into his shirt as the tears began to fall, her hands clutching the material tightly as her tears soaked through it.

"So do I." He replied, holding on to her tightly as she cried. "Oh Jac, so do I."


	6. Chapter 6

It had been three days since Jacs' emotional first meeting with Joseph after the loss of their unborn child and she was finally back at work. While the pitying glances she was expecting did indeed follow her around the hospital, and the hospital grapevine was full of speculation as to who had fathered the tragic child, people were being a lot more understanding than she expected and for that she was extremely grateful. While she couldn't operate due to the injury to her hand, Elliot and Connie had done their best to incorporate her back into Holby as best and as gently as they could, Connie even shedding a tear when she welcomed Jac back to work.

Jac had found the day hard going. It was hard not being able to be in theatre and she struggled with the fact that there were sympathetic whispers and glances everywhere that she went. She wasn't used to being pitied, or to being seen as something other than the stoic ice queen which had come to be her persona since she had arrived at Holby, but still it was nice to be back and with Elliot there to talk to should she ever need it, and with Linden offering many kind words of support she didn't feel as hopeless as she had just days before.

Things between her and Joseph were still very complicated. He was still with Faye, he hadn't told her that Ja'cs baby had been his too and while at home he was doing his best to hide the torment and anguish he felt over the loss of his secret son or daughter, but when he was at the hospital and he was away from Faye, Jac found that he was now needing her support as much as she was needing his. Leading such a painful existence was taking its toll on him and both she and Joseph had found that helping each other through their grief, whether by talking, or just sitting in silence next to each other just appreciating the other being there was the best medicine anyone could have prescribed.

Jac sat in the coffee shop near the entrance, her coffee going cold as she sat lost in her thoughts. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Joseph arrive and as he entered she gave him a small smile.

Joseph walked over to her, pulling out the other chair and sitting opposite her. He was about to open his mouth to speak when there was the noise of metal and plastic spilling on the floor and the sound of a baby beginning to cry. Both he and Jac turned to see a young mother struggling to pick the contents of her spilled handbag up, while holding the baby close to her chest. She looked up at Joseph and sighed.

"I'm really sorry but could you..." She asked him, holding out her child carefully to him.

Joseph hesitantly took the baby in his arms, rocking the little boy gently as his mother hurriedly picked up her belongings. He looked up at Jac who was watching him intently, her eyes filling with tears as she thought of the child that they could have had, the vision of Joseph with the baby seeming so natural and right to her and tearing her heart into shreds.

Joseph looked down at the little boy, smiling as the child reached out with his tiny fingers and touched his cheeks, but as he did all he could see was Jac in a puddle of her own blood on the cafeteria floor, then a vision of her lying broken in the hospital bed having to endure the cries of newborn babies and stare at the poster of the smiling baby on her hospital room wall.

Once again he looked at Jac, who had now reached out and had her fingers clasped in the baby's little hands. She looked so sad. She would have made such a good mother that he hated the thought of everything that had happened during the last few days, with the loss of the baby, the way he had acted, the way she had hurt herself because she felt so alone. Suddenly he could no longer bear it and could no longer breathe.

Quickly Joseph handed the baby boy back to his mother, getting out of the chair and stumbling towards the hospital doors, hyperventilating. When he got outside he collapsed on to his knees, struggling for breath as the reality of what had happened hit him. He had conceived a child with the one woman who had hurt him in what he thought was a completely irreparable way. He had realised the night the child was conceived that he actually still loved her more than he loved even his wife, but when it had come down to something so traumatic as a miscarriage he had forsaken her and their child's memory for the sake of a woman he no longer held feelings for. What kind of a father would he have been if he could hurt both his child and its mother like that by refusing to acknowledge both the love he held for her and the baby and the baby's short existence?

Joseph got more and more panicked, trying his hardest to force the breaths in and out. He heard footfalls at his side and Jac fell to her knees beside him.

"Come on Joseph breathe with me...In and out. In and out..." She called rhythmically, wrapping her arms around him as she tearfully tried to calm him down.

"I can't...breathe...baby...Oh God..." He struggled, his voice breathless but full of emotion.

One of the girls who worked in the cafe appeared behind them.

"Oh my God. Is he okay?" She asked, shocked at the sight of the Doctor now incapacitated on the cold pavement.

"He's having a panic attack." Jac called, rubbing Josephs back. "Come on Joseph...In and out remember? In and out..." She called, panicking as he continued to struggle for breath.

"Oh God....Jac..." He sobbed, tears streaming down his face.

"Shush." She soothed. "Joseph it's going to be okay. Look can you get me a paper bag or something? Quickly!" She shouted to the girl who worked in the cafe and the young girl ran back inside as patients and staff starting to gather around them.

"Jac?" Elliot called, rushing out of the door, Faye at his side.

"It's a panic attack...thank you." She told the girl who had quickly returned and who handed her the paper bag. She held it to Joseph's mouth, his hands clasping around hers and trembling with every fought for breath.

"Joseph..." Faye called out starting to run forwards.

Joseph shook his head, reaching out a hand to stop her coming to him. Instead he placed his hand back on top of Jacs,' gripping her hands and the bag so tightly within his own that his knuckles turned white.

"In and out Joseph. In and out. It's okay..." Jac soothed, hearing Faye shouting at her husband but barely as all she could concentrate on was the man at her side.

"Joseph!" Faye shouted.

He shook his head, his breaths now beginning to slow.

"Not okay." He told her muffled by the bag. "Sorry." He said softly. "So sorry."

"Stop saying sorry." She said quietly, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb.

As the minutes passed his breathing began to regulate and slow down, and soon he was sat on the pavement breathing normally, but trembling violently from the shock.

"I would have been a good daddy." He whispered, so quietly that only she could hear it. "Eventually I would have taken responsibility...for the child...for you." He told her, his attention turning to his wife who was now being held back by Elliot.

"I'm all right Faye. Please go back inside." Joseph told her, immediately turning his attention to the shaking Jac.

"No Joseph I..."

"Not now Faye. Please...Elliot take her?" Joseph asked his friend. Elliot gave Joseph and Jac an understanding smile and led the confused Faye back into the hospital.

"Come on people there's nothing to see here." He shouted as he walked, motioning for staff and patients alike to carry on about their business.

"You would have been a good daddy." Jac agreed, running her fingers through Joseph's hair, not caring who saw, just so glad that he was finally opening up. "But don't say that you would have been there Joseph...with me and the baby because we know what hold Faye has over you. You can't even talk about the baby now...not really. I can, I was the one who lost it...but you're the secret daddy...no one knows it was yours...how can you say you would have been there when you can't even admit the child was yours?" Jac asked him tearfully.

"You have so much pain over the baby. When you were touching that little boy's hand, I could see how hard even that was for you...and watching me...how hard it was for you to see what we didn't get a chance to have. I couldn't breathe when I realised what we'd lost. I saw a glimpse of what we might have had and the fact that we didn't get the chance..."

Jac placed a hand on her stomach, clutching her scrubs tightly. She looked at the ground.

"I would never have had you Joseph. Nor would our child. We still don't really have you. You can't even acknowledge its memory."

Joseph placed the bag onto the path and put his palms either side of the face that was still tilted down towards the ground. He rested his forehead against Jacs.

"I'm so sorry that I've made you believe that." He whispered, Jac's eyes meeting his. "I wish..." He started tearfully, before breaking down again, his forehead still resting against hers.

"I know." She replied, also breaking down, the two wounded doctors lost in their sorrowful embrace, completely oblivious to the passers by and the world continuing on around them.


	7. Chapter 7

Jac sat in the chapel, soaking in the peace and quiet before beginning another day at Holby General. She'd never really been there before, choosing to avoid a place which held peace and hope for so many but as she had walked passed it that morning she had felt the need to go in, to think about her baby somewhere she was free to feel her emotions without judgement. Somewhere she felt that she may be able to be closer to where her child now was. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there. Linden had come in and sat with her for a while; she had spoken to him about how she wanted to pray for her baby but didn't know where to start and he had told her just to say what she felt and then left her in peace. Still she had found herself unable to find the words and unable to move until she had done so.

Deciding that there was no time like the present Jac took a deep breath, her eyes falling onto a stained glass portrait of Mary holding her child.

"I hope you don't mind that I'm not kneeling or holding my hands together...I know that's how a lot of people pray but...it's hard enough coming here and finding the words. I hope me just talking means you will still listen...if there is a you. I just...I really need to ask you a favour."

Jac looked at the ceiling, emotion coursing through her. She felt a little silly, talking to no-one, laying her emotions bare. She spoke to the miscarriage helpline quite often, that so hard for her but still easier than this. She needed to do it though, to pray for her child. She wouldn't be at peace until she did.

"My boy is up there with you and I need to know that he's okay. I need to ask that you take care of him for me until his daddy and I are up there with him and able to do it ourselves. He left us without our even knowing that he was there, without feeling any love from us. I need you to show him that he is loved. I just really need you to look after my son." Jac continued tearfully.

Jac felt a hand on her shoulder. She immediately stiffened and turned around to be greeted by the sight of an emotional Joseph stood behind her. She hadn't seen him since his panic attack. Both he and Faye had been off work and she hadn't heard a peep from him whereas since finding her injured in Elliot's office he had phoned one or more times a day. Once again she had thought she had lost him and had been convinced he and Faye had gone somewhere to rebuild their relationship leaving her once again out in the cold.

"You think it was a he?" Joseph asked softly, sitting at her side.

"Just a feeling I have." She shrugged, her eyes fixed steadily ahead. "Did you have a nice holiday?" She asked cooly, her voice not betraying any emotion.

"Holiday?" Joseph questioned, raising his eyebrows.

"I haven't heard a thing from you. I figured that you must be somewhere with Faye trying to sort out the marriage seeing as you couldn't even bring yourself to phone." She told him a little harder than she had intended, wrapping her arms around herself.

"I wasn't on holiday. I was moving out." He told her simply, trying to gauge a reaction.

"You...why?" Jac asked, suddenly lost for words as her pulse raced.

"Because I made a terrible, awful mistake and it needed rectifying." He explained. "Faye and I...we've separated." He told her, with little hint of sadness, his eyes looking straight ahead as he waited for a reaction.

"Joseph..."

"I needed to grieve for our baby. I needed to be able to acknowledge it as ours. I needed to be able to grieve with its mother because I think she needs me. Just as much as I need her." He continued. He turned to face her and saw her holding back tears.

"Does she know? About him?" She asked softly, looking down at her empty stomach.

"She does. I think she'd guessed. She just wanted to ignore it. Believe it or not she wanted me to ignore it too."

"But he was our son." Jac said tearfully.

Joseph clasped Jac's hand in his own.

"And that's exactly why I left. I could hardly be apart from the mother of my child could I?"

"Our child's gone Joe."

"This one has. But there'll be another Jac, maybe two. We will be the family that you want us to be. That we should have been." He reassured her, running his fingers down her tear streaked face.

"I hurt you so badly." She told him softly. "What if I did deserve to lose him?"

"No one. Not any woman deserves to have to go through what you did...and now...now I've hurt you too. So we're even. I walked away when you needed me and I will never forgive myself for that."

Jac put a hand on the back of his head and gently pulled his forehead to hers.

"You really think it was a boy?" He asked her quietly, his eyes falling to her stomach.

"I do. I don't know why. I just always imagine the baby as a boy when I think of how he would have looked or been like had he been carried to term."

Joseph rubbed her back in circular motions as he looked her in the eye.

"He would have been a handful." He told her grinning and Jac smiled in response.

"But undoubtedly the handsomest little man that Holby has ever seen with shocking red hair like his mothers." Jac replied.

"I don't doubt that."

Jac smiled as Joseph took her into his arms and held her close.

"I want us to give him a name. I hate to think of him as just the foetus or the baby. In the moments I was losing him and since then, he's been real to me even though I didn't know about him until he was gone. It feels right to want to give him a name." Jac whispered into Joseph's shirt.

"I always liked the name Harry for a boy." Joseph told her kissing the top of her head.

"Harry Byrne." Jac nodded as she said it. It sounded right to her. The name sounded like it belonged to her son. "His name's Harry."

Joseph smiled and then nodded, looking into Jac's green eyes as she looked up at him.

"Where do we go from here Joseph? Just so I know. So there's no more confusion."

"We take it slowly. If you hurt me again Jac I won't come back to you." He told her sternly, needing her to know he would no longer take any bad treatment from her. He couldn't bear for her to break his heart again.

"I wouldn't expect you to." She replied.

"It's always been you. I was just too pigheaded to not marry Faye. I thought being with her would make me stop loving you...but it never did. When you told me you loved me in that theatre I should have left her there and then...or at least after, when I wasn't so incapacitated." He told her smiling. "You were the one I should have married, not her."

"You're just saying that because I lost the baby." She told him sadly, unable to believe that he would ever have wanted to marry her.

"I'm saying it because it's true. And it's going to happen. When I'm divorced, when I'm sure that I'm what you want. Then it will happen and you won't be alone again." He reassured her, cupping her cheeks in his palms and kissing her nose.

Jac closed her eyes, for the first time in a long while feeling complete and at home.

"I love you Jac. I love our son. I am so sad and so very sorry that he had to leave us." He told her, running his fingers down her flushed cheeks.

"So am I." She replied, clutching the scrubs that covered her stomach. "Every day of my life. I won't ever forget."

"Nor will I." He agreed. "But you don't have to deal with this on your own anymore. It's time I deal with it too and it's time we deal with it together. You and I made him. You and I need to learn to say goodbye."

"I wish we didn't have to Joseph. I really wish..."

"I know. I know me too."

And with that Jac fell into Joseph's arms and both clutched each other tightly as they cried.


	8. Chapter 8

Later that night after Joseph had run Jac a warm bath and sat talking at its side as she relaxed in the bubbles, Jac and Joseph found themselves cuddled up under the bedcovers, Joseph lying with his chest pressed up against Jac's back, his chin resting on her shoulder and his hands on her stomach. Though they had been reunited and both felt once again complete and at home, they had decided to wait before rushing into anything physical again, so both were dressed in pairs of Josephs jogging bottoms and t-shirts just enjoying the closeness of each other as they waited for sleep to come.

"I'm almost scared to fall asleep again in case I wake up and you're not here." Jac admitted tiredly, threading her fingers in Josephs and holding his hand tight against her stomach.

"That's not going to happen again. I promise you." He replied, brushing her hair out of the way and kissing her tenderly behind her ear.

"I don't want things to go wrong again. I know they went wrong because of me but it's taken so long to get here..." She told him, turning over so that she was facing him. "My whole life I've been running away from commitment and from letting myself love or be loved and I did it again when I was with you before. I don't want to be that person anymore." She admitted, looking down at her hands.

"You're not that person anymore. Anyone can see that." Joseph reassured as he took her hands in his own. "Losing Harry mellowed you. Loving me and my loving you back has mellowed you too."

"Is that a bad thing?" Jac asked, suddenly unsure of herself. She'd spent so long being cold, hard and spiteful that to find herself allowing herself to feel and to cry was unsettling to say the least.

"No, It's really not." Jospeh replied, kissing her nose.

"Do you miss Faye?" Jac then asked, her low self esteem getting the better of her.

Joseph put his fingers under her chin and propped it up so that she was looking directly into his eyes.

"Faye was a devoted wife and a good person. She was kind and sweet...but she wasn't you. I missed you every second of every day, particularly when I didn't have you to bicker with. As horrible as it sounds, even after our marriage, Faye barely comes into my thoughts when I'm with you."

"I love you Joseph." Jac told the man lying next to her, running her fingertips over the contours of his face.

"And I you." He replied, kissing her forehead softly. "Now try and get some rest." He told her, cuddling up to her again and closing his eyes. "I'll still be here in the morning."

Jac smiled, closed her eyes and drifted off into her first peaceful sleep in days.


	9. Chapter 9

Jac and Joseph stood outside the hospital, hands entwined, surrounded by a few of their friends. At Josephs side stood Elliot, looking sombrely up at the cloudy skies with a look of pure reflection on his face. Next to Jac was Linden who was sadly looking at the ground. At his side were Donna and Maria who Jac had been surprised to see coming outside to offer moral support although she suspected they were there purely to get the latest hospital gossip, and next to them, even more surprisingly was Connie.

Jac looked at them, giving them each a small smile and nod of thanks before briefly, in an uncharacteristic act of public affection, burying her head against Joseph's chest. Joseph kissed her on top of her head, a teddy bear shaped balloon clutched in his free hand which had a little note tied on to the bottom by a blue piece of ribbon.

"Do you want me to?" Joseph whispered to the woman he loved, feeling a wetness seeping through his scrub top.

Jac nodded tearfully, burying her face away from her colleague's worried gazes. Connie walked to the young woman's side and put an arm around her, forgetting their usual bickering and sparring so that she could help when Jac needed a friend the most.

Joseph smiled at Connie, who nodded for him to begin. He cleared his throat, kissing Jac on the top of her head again before taking a shaky breath.

"We just want to say thank you to you all for coming. I know this probably seems silly to a lot of people, our child was only a few weeks gestation, but to Jac and I, he was our son and he was lost in a tragic way at this hospital. A lot of controversy has surrounded Jac's miscarriage. A lot of gossip has been fuelled and I haven't been the most supportive person when I should have been for her sake and for the sake of our child, but we both love it very much, even though it's no longer here and we needed...we needed to say goodbye." Joseph told them breaking down.

Jac looked up, her eyes puffy and red and ran her fingers down Joseph's wet cheeks. Allowing Connie to comfort her and Joseph to grieve she looked at the small group and wiped her eyes.

"We didn't really know what to do to say goodbye to Harry...that's the name we gave him...we just knew that we had to do something for some closure. We won't ever forget what happened, I know that I couldn't having been the one who experienced it, but we felt that doing this...would help somehow. We thought it would show our love for our child."

Jac took the balloon out of Josephs shaking hand and grasped it within her own. He looked at her with proud, yet tearful eyes and placed a hand on the small of her back.

"We wrote a little note to him. I won't tell you what's in there as its private...but we wanted to show that he was loved and would have been wanted. So Harry, this teddy is for you. I hope you can see it where you are and I hope that you know...your daddy and I love you very much." Jac whispered as she reluctantly let the balloon go and watched it float up into the sky.

"Sleep well Harry Byrne." Linden said softly, walking to Joseph and placing a hand on the man's shoulder, Jac now firmly in his embrace.

"Sleep well Harry." The group repeated, tearful eyes watching the balloon on its journey and then falling on to the sight of two of the hospitals most formidable doctors, their eyes only for each other and their hearts with the child that they had lost.


	10. Chapter 10

_A Year On._

Joseph Byrne sat enthralled as he watched her stood bravely up on that stage, in front of at least two hundred people, discussing the loss of their child. As young professionals, when an opportunity had arisen for mothers and fathers who had lost their child through miscarriage to meet at a charity ball and to talk about their experiences, Jac had decided it would be cathartic to say a few words to show that miscarriage doesn't only affect some, but can affect any one, whether a high flying hospital doctor for whom the baby and subsequent miscarriage had been a complete and traumatic shock or a mother already with children to whom it hadn't happened before. He could tell that she was nervous, her eyes kept finding his and every time they did he gave her a reassuring smile, prompting her to continue on. Though it had now become a more regular occurrence that she should discuss her feelings, discussing them in front of so many people was undoubtedly very hard for her to do and an obvious shock to her system. He didn't think he'd ever seen her show such bravery or heartfelt emotion as he was seeing her portray at that very moment, as her hair shone under the lights and the studs on her dress glittered, making her look almost angelic.

The past year had been full of ups and downs as both had tried to come to terms with the loss of Harry. Jac had been left broken and Joseph had to work hard to pick up the pieces and encourage her to open up enough to let him help put them back together again. She loved him, of that he had no doubt, and he loved her, once more, more than he ever felt possible. This time though, even with the traumatic circumstances surrounding their being brought back together, and the divorce proceedings to Faye now under way, he was sure that she would never hurt him or run away from commitment or her feelings again. He could see, that finally, she had realised that she needed him, and that he was the rock which had been missing all of her life and he had realised that he needed her and needed to be shown the love that she felt for him. She was the light in his life and while she could still be cold, and bicker and use barbed comments should the mood arise, he also knew that under all that was a woman who would give his hand a squeeze when nobody was looking, who would kiss his forehead or nose as she passed him in the hospital corridors, who would leave with him at the end of the day, letting him place his arm around her and show the affection he felt for her for everyone to see and who couldn't go to sleep without him cuddled up to her in bed, in the house they now shared, nor without a conversation about their days and their feelings and anything else that was playing on her mind. She had mellowed in a way that he never thought was possible and she never apologised to anyone for it, nor did she hesitate, if she felt that he or she needed it, to show support or affection for the man that she loved in front of the many prying eyes that she knew were watching her every step for some kind of cowardice. She no longer cared how they perceived her because she had the man she loved at her side, and that was more important to her than even her job.

As Jac finished, applause rang throughout the room, Joseph leading the other parents in a standing ovation for the bravery of the obviously emotional Doctor who had just bore her heart and soul to a multitude of strangers. She blushed and carefully made her way down the steps leading from the stage, walking a little self consciously through the crowds to Josephs side and immediately burying herself in his arms, with her head against his chest.

"I'm so proud of you." He whispered, kissing her red hair.

Jac looked up at him and gave him a glowing smile.

"Thank you." She replied honestly, kissing her partner on the lips and running her fingers through his hair.

As they went to sit down at their table, Jac faltered, wobbling slightly. Joseph immediately placed a steadying hand on to her back, helping her down into the chair.

"Are you all right?" He asked her concerned, brushing her hair away from her rosy cheeks.

"I'm fine." She told him though she was feeling a bit tired and queasy. "I think it's these shoes. Surgeons don't get to practice working in heels very often after all."

Joseph smiled, happy with her answer, but still shot concerned glances her way throughout the meal. When he found Jac unable to do anything other than pick at her food he decided enough was enough.

"I'm taking you home." He whispered softly, kissing her forehead.

Jac didn't argue. She nodded, letting Joseph help her up from the seat and lead her out of the claustrophobic hall. He embraced her tightly in his arms, Jac wrapping hers around him and breathing in his scent.

"Love you." She whispered tiredly as they climbed into the car.

"And I love you." He replied, leaning over and doing up her seatbelt before climbing in himself and driving her home.

After arriving home and helping to get her undressed, Joseph tucked Jac up in the duvet and wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him. As he thought about it, he realised that she had been wearying more easily for the last two months or so, not always being able to eat, sometimes unable to keep her food down, other times being fine. Worry made his heart pound. What if she was ill? What if there was a chance that he could lose her? Joseph Byrne was nothing without Jac Naylor. He couldn't picture life again without her in it. Thinking such things made him pull her closer to him. He kissed her behind her ear and could feel her smile.

"Stop worrying." She whispered, turning over so that she was facing him. "I'm feeling better already."

Jac kissed Joseph on the nose.

"And well enough to go and have a nice bath."

Jac climbed out of bed, smiling as Joseph walked into the bathroom and began running a bath for her. She truly didn't deserve him, she knew that, but she also knew that there was no way she would screw things up again. There was no way that she could ever let him go.

Jac rifled through her drawers, pulling out a pair of Joseph's tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt and some underwear. Checking that Joseph wasn't in the room she also pulled a box out that she had buried at the bottom of the drawer, tucking it in the pile of clothes that she was holding so that he wouldn't see her take it into the bathroom. Her hands shook as she thought of its consequences.

"One strawberry bubble bath is waiting for you." He told her softly as he re entered the room, looking at her curiously as he noted her expression.

"I'm fine." She reassured him, giving him a quick kiss before entering the bathroom and leaving the door on the jar behind her.

When Jac hadn't surfaced after forty five minutes a worried Joseph, who had been sitting trying to read on the bed, although his mind was on his poorly girlfriend and nothing else, knocked on the door. When she didn't answer he quickly pushed it open to be greeted by the sight of Jac sitting frozen in position on the toilet seat, her body still wet and shivering with cold.

Josephs blood ran cold.

"Jac? Sweetheart?" He called out, rushing over to her, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her trembling body, rubbing his hands up and down over the top of it to warm her up. "You're freezing." He commented, trying to get her to look at him. He propped her chin up with his fingers and noticed how puffy and red her eyes were.

"Is this about Harry?" He asked her quietly, stroking her cheeks with his fingertips.

"Sort of." She whispered softly, looking Joseph right in the eyes.

"It was tonight wasn't it? I wondered if it would be too much for you. With that and feeling poorly..."

Jac placed a finger over his lips to quieten him. She couldn't help but smile at his sincere concern. He really was so sweet.

"There's a reason I've been feeling poorly Joseph." She told him softly, pulling the plastic stick out from behind her. "Look."

She held the test out with trembling hands, Joseph then taking it into his and studying it closely.

"Harry's going to be a big brother." Jac told Joseph softly. "I'm pregnant Joe."

Joseph looked at the woman in front of him, waiting for some kind of sign as to how she was feeling about the pregnancy. He himself was scared to death and worried but also so very happy. Jac wasn't giving anything away at all.

"And...How do you feel about that?" He asked her quietly, almost not wanting to hear the answer. Harry's death had affected her profoundly and he truly didn't know what words were going to pass her lips. "Are you happy about it?"

"No." Jac answered quickly at the floor. She then looked to Joseph, seeing the hurt in his eyes and feeling her own heart ache because of her dishonest answer. "Yes." She then told him. "I am, I'm just...I'm so scared." She admitted.

"Come on let's get you dry and warm." Joseph told her, pulling her gently up from the toilet and carefully drying her, hesitating as the towel reached her stomach. As Jacs gaze fell to him he began drying again, then helping her into the t-shirt and jogging bottoms and leading her out of the bathroom and into the bed.

"It's all right to be scared Jac. I am too." He reassured her as he placed the positive pregnancy test between them on the bed. "We had a terrible experience last time."

"What if it happens again? I'm not sure I could deal with that if it were to happen a second time." Jac admitted tearfully.

"But could you deal with terminating your child? Because that's the only other option. I know you couldn't put it up for adoption, you loved Harry. You have no reason to give our baby up. The only other option is a termination. Could you do that?" He asked her hesitantly.

She shook her head.

"Of course not. Maybe once upon a time but now...there's no way."

"Then we do this together Jac and we deal with whatever happens. But just because we lost Harry like that...it doesn't mean we're going to lose this little one too." He reassured her placing a hand on her stomach. She placed hers over his and squeezed it. "We're together now. I'm not going anywhere. We can do this."

"Are you happy?" She then asked him softly.

Joseph broke out into a huge grin which she found infectious.

"You've given me a child Jacqueline Naylor. Of course I'm happy. We're going to have our family." He whispered pulling her into his arms and kissing her passionately.

Jac giggled, but Joseph could still see the worry etched on her face.

"Do you want this child?" He then asked her quietly.

Jac tearfully nodded, clutching his hands in hers.

"So, so much."

"Wait here." He then told her, padding downstairs to the phone and leaving her alone on the bed staring down at the positive test, a small smile creeping on to her lips as she placed a hand over the stomach which housed her unborn child.

Joseph bounded back through the door with a smile.

"Get your coat. We're going to the hospital." Joseph then told her.

Jac looked at him with a confused expression.

"Do you want to see our baby or not?"


	11. Chapter 11

Jac and Joseph walked through the hospital, fingers entwined, Jac still in Joseph's t-shirt and jogging bottoms with her wet hair hanging around her shoulders, looking probably the most unkempt that people had ever seen her. Tonight though she didn't care. She didn't care what they said about her appearance, about her public display of love for Joseph, or the worry etched on her face. She was going to see her and Joseph's baby for the first time and to learn whether it was safe inside her womb and that was all that mattered.

Connie met them outside her office. She gave Jac a reassuring smile and led the pair of them to a private room where Elliot, who had been called into theatre had set up an ultrasound machine for them.

"I hope you don't mind me doing the scan today. Elliot had an emergency. He very much wanted to be here." Connie explained, motioning for Jac to lay on the bed. Jac followed Connie's prompting, taking Josephs had in hers as she lay there feeling vulnerable and afraid.

Connie rolled Jacs t-shirt up over her stomach.

"This is going to be a little bit cold." She explained, before squeezing a cold gel onto Jac's stomach. It made the young woman gasp as it touched her skin. A single tear ran down her cheek.

"Try not to worry. We'll see soon enough if there's any reason for you to do that." Connie said sympathetically giving Jac's shoulder a squeeze.

Jac nodded, unable to find any words.

Joseph leaned down and kissed her forehead, watching as Connie turned the machine on.

"Are you ready to see your baby?" She asked them.

Both Jac and Joseph nodded, although Jac immediately closed her eyes tightly when Connie put the wand on her stomach, afraid of what she might see on the screen.

"Oh my..." Joseph whispered as Connie moved the wand around. "Oh Jac."

"What? Is something wrong?" She asked him, unable to open her eyes and to look at the screen.

Still holding the wand on Jac's abdomen, Jac felt Connie move away slightly. She heard a little click from the ultrasound machine and soon her baby's heartbeat radiated throughout the room.

"You have a perfect baby Jac." Connie explained. "You hear that heartbeat? It's lovely and strong."

Jac could hear the smile in Connie's voice and she opened her eyes. She looked at Joseph who was mesmerised by the image on the screen and when she turned to look at it she was too. There on the screen was baby Byrne, its heart beating loudly and strong and its little body wriggling around inside its mummy.

"It's so big already." Joseph whispered as he tried to make out the baby's features on the screen. He brought Jacs hand up to his lips and kissed the soft skin on the back of it.

"I'd say it was about ten weeks gestation. You're almost through the first trimester already and everything's looking as it should be."

"It's so perfect. That has to be the most incredible sound I've ever heard." Jac told Connie tearfully.

"I felt exactly the same when I heard Grace's heartbeat. There's nothing else like it."

Jac shook her head enthralled by the tiny form of the baby on the screen and the rhythmic beating of its heart.

"It's our baby Joseph." She whispered very much in awe that they had created a little life. "Our perfect baby."

Jac was met by silence. She turned to Joseph to see him crying silent tears of joy.

"Just like its mum." He told her, kneeling at her bedside and smoothing her hair away from her face. "Marry me?" He then asked her, kissing her cheek, and then her forehead, and then sitting on the bedside looking at the screen.

Connie smiled at the pair, freezing the image of their child on the screen and leaving the room to give them some time on their own.

"Are you asking me this because you want to? Or because you're overcome with fatherly emotion?" Jac teased, rubbing his back as she sat up at his side, then picking up some tissues and rubbing the gel off her stomach.

"Probably a bit of both." He told her warmly. He cupped her cheeks in his palms. "I love you. Marry me?" He then asked again, watching as Jac turned to the screen and looked at her child, then looked at her stomach and then looked at him.

Tearfully she nodded, grinning as he pulled her into his arms.

"Was that a yes?" He whispered into her shoulder.

"It was a hell yes." Jac replied, pulling away from Joseph so that she could look deeply into his eyes. "I love you daddy."

"And I love you mummy." He answered, placing his hands on her still flat stomach, which just over six months later would bring baby Jacob Joseph Byrne into their lives, a beautiful curly red haired little boy who would be page boy at his parents wedding, little brother to the always thought of Harry, and big brother to twins Alice and Amelia. For the first time in their lives both Jac and Joseph were able to say they were finally, irrevocably, complete.


End file.
